Writing the 10-pg behavioral neruo paper. Shouldn’t be too bad, except for the fact that I am being extremely unproductive.
Mind- scattered.
Focus- blurred.
Yet another summer is approaching… Lately I have been thinking about my life, the way I envisioned it to be when I was little, a teenager, a high schooler. How I thought college would be magnificent. Expecting to come out changed, but still idealistic and hopeful. Still wishing to achieve something worthwhile. How difficult that mission seems to be at this point!
I wonder if that is the reality of life? That is, you are constantly chasing after a dream that cannot be fulfilled. Lena said in class the other day, putting Dostoevsky’s ideas into words: we humans have a huge problem with the void. We always try to fill in that emptiness with something. But it seems that “that something” can be so disappointing, and maybe even worse than the void itself. Say we fill that void with a dream, an ideal– when the dream fails to take concrete form, what is lost?? It is worse than the void, because not only are we left with the void, but also with the shattered fragments of the dream. And often, we are the ones forced to smash that dream, that one dream that is ours alone with a hammer handed to us by reality.
Loneliness is a strange thing– it can creep up on me from behind or greet me face to face, saying “Hi, I’m back”. Either way, it takes off its hat and walks straight into me. Then I’m rendered helpless. Against my will, I am subjected to its every whim: checking FB every 2 seconds, going on every chat program I know of to look for someone, anyone to talk to. But then to Loneliness, not just “anyone” can suffice. So it grows larger inside me as I sit with a halo of darkish grey realizing that there is NO ONE there. No one that can chase Loneliness out of my soul. Not that there wasn’t ever anyone, but simply no one at THIS VERY TIME. But it’s always that “VERY TIME” that always seem so empty… too empty.
OK I am feeling better now (because Jules just brought me a scone at my work!). So here my rambling shall stop.
