Here in Reno NV
The summer internship has been going fairly well: the girls I’m staying with are all very nice and pleasant to be around. Photography work is mainly sitting in front of a computer and “playing space invader”– cleaning dust spots. Scott and Peter are both very friendly and interesting in their own ways. The connection that I used to feel when being around motivational others is coming back a little at a time. Been running and practicing the guitar everyday, and continuing with my photography (thoughless into it somehow, maybe because of too much office work related to it).
Still something is missing. Old news, something has always been missing.
World cup has been tremendously exciting and heart wrenching to watch. Seeing the players that worked so hard for a dream achieve their goals and losing their chances makes me wonder about the purpose of all of our existences. Having grown up, are all of our childhood dreams merely fragmented memories to us now? I remember having so much passion and drive for simple goals, and the tenacity to cling on the smallest of hopes, the smallest of happiness. I am afraid that I won’t be leading the worthwhile life that I’d dreamed… I am terrified. It seems like everyone’s life settles into a single unchanging shape after we step over an invisible barrier in our lives, and from that point on, the life that you lead is the life you are going to have. Those soccer players’ lives are revolved around a single (or multiple) goal (s), like becoming a better player, scoring more points, win the World Cup. But most of us that are out here in the sea of society are just carrying out our everyday tasks, taking breaks of fun to do the things we enjoy, and go back to an familiar and largely unperturbed rhythm of living. And what happens when that rhythm is broken? The soccer players cannot be soccer players for all of their lives… when their careers end, will most of them become one of us? An “useful” member of society? Why do we cling onto that set pattern? Why does that become our definition? And then there are people who are born with wealth, with silver spoons attached to their mouths. Or people who are exceptionally attractive in physical appearance… these people need to do little (in comparison with others) in order to live a comfortable and more exciting (in the sense that they get to experience more) lives. Of course the world isn’t fair, but it seems at some level all of us are trapped, by ourselves and the society around us.
I don’t want to lead a petty life– and good work is the way to avoid such a pitiful downfall. But I have not found work that make me feel like I’m alive, or contributing some higher leveled (worthwhile to MY soul’s) mentality to the humankind. All those dreams that I had as a kid, why are they so hard to see through these many years of dusty memories? For 3 years I’ve been hiding in a corner, retreating into a pattern of self doubt, lack of accomplishment, and some sort of … thin fabric of depression…
So what now?
I miss Daddy greatly… he would understand how I feel. I can still see him putting 4th of July steaks and corn onto that old rusty grill. At those times, his eyes were always shining brightly as if he was still a boy, excited for a taste of the delicious smelling food for the first time. But thinking closely now, it seemed like he was rarely very happy. He had his rhythm of living that he did not wish for, but could no longer avoid. As he got older and older, he did not do anymore art, but only stared at the TV screen with announcers screaming at each others’ stupidity. Did he see the fall of humanity in himself? Or did he realize that it’s no use to keep on dreaming? Did see that many years later I would come to the same realization?
I don’t want to disappoint anymore. Not myself nor those who I’ve loved and passed onto another world. I must find what it is that I need to do in order to shine, for myself and for the world. The clock is ticking. Another Holiday has come and will be gone. As ephemeral and unattainable as my dream may seem, I need to continue wading my way through it, thick as the fog is…
But right now, allow me to feel soft on the inside… even if it’s just for a little while.
